What Makes "Touchy-Feely" a Dirty Word?

Using our emotional lives to maximum effect brings more complete success.

What is it that makes the term "touchy-feely" subject to such scorn and derision?  When uttered by a client, it is invariably accompanied by a sneer, a curled lip, or a look that makes me think he has just stepped in something smelly.

Usually, this means that the person doesn't want to get involved with talking about feelings, or relationships, or how we're interacting with each other.  "Just stick with the facts."  Preferably facts that look like numbers.

After all, there are no emotions in the numbers, are there?

From what I’ve observed, business is all about relationships.  All the numerical data in the world isn't going to alter that basic notion.

A story from my Wall Street past illustrates this:  An entrepreneur approached J.P. Morgan for a loan to fund his fledgling business back in the early part of the 20th century.  Mr Morgan wasn't willing to extend credit to this particular individual, so he did the next best thing.  He took him on a walk down Broad Street, past the NY Stock Exchange and many of the other banks.  Morgan was visibly engaged in an intense conversation with the man, putting his arm around him and laughing at different points during the walk.

After this brief encounter, so the story goes, the young entrepreneur walked into several of the banks he had just passed and secured more than enough funding to get him started.

Whether this story is factual or a myth, it illustrates an important point.  We do business like this all the time.  The "numbers" take us only so far.

Recent work with emotional intelligence has begun to change the way some people think about touchy-feely.  Daniel Goleman has made a convincing case since the 1990s that EI (emotional intelligence) matters more than IQ in predicting workplace success.

Reuven Bar-On has developed a tool that allows for the reliable measurement of EI capabilities.  The instrument defines emotional intelligence as “a set of...skills that influence the way we...use emotional information in an effective and meaningful way.”

Brene Brown from the University of Houston has done some fascinating research into vulnerability.  This is another one of those apparently squishy and uncomfortable ideas that just shouldn't be brought into work, right?  I mean, how can we be successful if we’re running around being vulnerable?  Except that Brown’s research shows how it leads us toward greater connectedness and creativity: exactly the things our organizations keep saying they want more of.

The point about these examples is that no matter how hard we try to have it otherwise, our emotions are always with us.  One of the many paradoxes about feelings is that the harder we try to keep them at bay, the more obvious they become.

Another thing is that the more we learn about the impact of our emotional lives, the clearer it becomes that it is this very aspect of ourselves that contributes most greatly to our success and that of our organizations.

The sooner we stop looking at our emotions as something to check at the door of our offices, the more quickly and easily we can move into this greater success.

Freedom to Choose

If you want me to stay with you, don’t tell me what to do.

Today, I came across this really interesting article on the power of choice.  It explains a phenomenon called psychological reactance, which says that if I am a loyal user of a product or a service and I feel like my loyalty has been won at the expense of being able to freely choose another, similar product or service, I’m very likely to switch out of using the original as soon as an alternative comes along.

Get it?

It’s about how much we dislike monopolies and being told we can’t do something else, even if we don’t want to do something else right this minute.

The research in the article was done using search engines and online shopping sites.  Let’s work with that.  Let’s say you have grown to use Amazon to buy everything, from holiday gifts to appliances for your kitchen.  You love it.  It’s convenient, fast, and easy.  You can’t imagine using another site for purchases, and you don’t, even though there are others out there.

Now, in a slightly different scenario, you still love Amazon, but it started out as the only game in town.  You were, in this sense, forced to start using it for your online purchases.  There simply was no other choice.  The study shows that in this scenario, you’d be 51% more likely to switch to a competing website as soon as one came along.

If, instead, you felt like you had the opportunity to choose Amazon from a selection of similar sites at the beginning, you’d be only 23% more likely to switch to a competitor website.

This has some interesting implications for any change effort.  It confirms the long-held notion that engaging people from the earliest stages of the change is essential for their commitment to the effort.  

And, this study seems to suggest that people need to feel like they have had the chance to freely choose to come along for the change in order to be more fully committed.  This ability to opt-in may the element that can make a big difference in how readily the new idea gets taken up.

This makes a lot of sense.  Treat me like an adult: tell me what my options are and let me choose among them, and I’ll be much more likely to stay around and do what we agree makes sense.

Paying Attention

Heeding the signs around us makes us better leaders

I’ve been getting all kinds of signals over the last couple of days that I can’t force things to happen the way I want them to.  Acting in a way that doesn’t fit with the larger environment is a recipe for disappointment, too much ineffective work, and unhappy surprises.

An example: Coming home after an early morning trip to the gas station, I stopped at a busy intersection where I still had the green light because I could see the traffic was backed up on the other side.  I inched forward, though not into the intersection, because I thought it might clear in time for me to make it across.

The very assertive crossing guard had a different plan for me.  He started blowing his whistle from across the road and motioning for me to back up.  Not only me, but the car behind me too.  The light hadn’t even turned yellow yet.

Of course, I began to feel indignant and a little embarrassed: “Who are you to tell me what to do?”

In the end, he was absolutely right.  My car was blocking the crosswalk where a mother and her two young kids needed to cross to get to school.  With his experience of the timing of the lights and flow of traffic, he knew there was no way I was getting through on this sequence.

I used the forty seconds at the red light to take a few deep breaths, soothe my bruised sense of superiority, and recognize what had just happened.

As I moved slowly forward at the next green, I caught the officer’s eye, smiled, and gave him an appreciative wave.

If I can’t impose my will on the situation, does that leave me with total surrender?  Passivity and being only reactive?  Putting myself at the mercy of others and circumstances?

Of course not.  

Paying attention and responding to what you find is quite a long way from either of these other options.  Power and influence come from noticing what’s going on and finding the right moment.

I was at a talk last night being given by consultant and author Rick Maurer during which he reviewed six principles for building commitment.  These come from his book Why Don’t You Want What I Want? and include:

• Know your intention
• Consider the context
• Avoid knee jerk reactions
• Pay attention
• Explore deeply
• Find ways to connect

In the aggregate, these principles remind us of the paradoxical truth that in order to be influential we need to open up to being influenced ourselves.

Only then do we stand a chance of getting what it is we want.

The Myth of Generations

What’s up with this fascination we have?  A modest proposal for doing something different.

Something has been bugging me for quite a while, so it’s time to write about it.

I’m troubled by all the time and space that is being given over to the exploration of the generations at work.  It really started with us, the Baby Boomers.  We were the first such cohort in history identified, with our own characteristics, culture, clothing, language, etc.  

Our parents, the “Greatest Generation” (or Silent Generation or Traditionalists), were only identified later and in contrast to the Boomers.

Now we have Generation X, Generation Y (the Millennials), and even Generation Z (the Digital Natives).  

And, like with everything else in our lives, the timeframes are being compressed.  Where a generation used to be 20-25 years, because that’s how long it took for one generation of humans to produce the next one, we’re now down to 15 years or less to define a “generation”.

I guess we’re changing the definition.

I can work with that -- up to a point.  Sure, the distinctions many are making between these various groups do have some utility.  Entering any new culture, it is always a good idea to be familiar with the norms and customs.  That will help to smooth the interactions and soften any misunderstandings.

And we’ve gone more than a bit overboard with it all.

I have theory about it: our current fascination with these new “generations” is borne out of our era’s obsession with difference.  It is individualism run amok.  More harshly, I wonder if these generational divides aren’t a 20th century phenomenon resulting from our worship of youth and casting aside of the aged.

Traditional, indigenous societies have always had a both-and approach to the generations.  In their rites of passage, initiates would be fully embraced by their elders, recognized as the new hope for the future.  AND, at the same time, they would be responsible for honoring what came before.  Indelible webs of connection were built across the divides.

Before you dismiss me as some old f@&t off on a rant, I want to say I’m not for going back to some misperceived ideal.  I am, however, arguing strongly against over-reliance on facile, artificial distinctions at the expense of what we have in common.  We need to find the new both-and; the source of connection between us.

Rites of passage are about becoming part of the group.  Finding commonality.  Having a place.  Learning the rules (and changing them when needed).  Without sacrificing individuality.

The antidote to the divisions and distinctions is conversation.  Real, meaningful conversation.  Always has been.  These generations will find new and exciting ways to work together and learn from each other by creating genuine relationships through sincere interaction.

Know yourself.  Be curious about the other.

Resilience in Teams

How do you build success in turbulent times?  Here are some ideas.

A colleague and I are preparing to give a talk in a few weeks.  The title of this piece of brilliance is “Finding Your Feet in Turbulent Times.”  We will be exploring what it takes for teams and team leaders to be resilient.  

That is, what makes it possible for them to respond in a constructive way to unexpected disruptions, positive or negative, and the accompanying ambiguity?

You can think about the range of possible responses to disruption as falling along a continuum.  On one end is “rigid”, where responses come in the form of unthinking adherence to a prescription.  On the other end is “floppy”, where the team is overwhelmed by its process and is unable to execute or deliver.

Neither of these is very good.

“Resilient” falls somewhere in the middle.

There are a few key elements to the practice of being resilient.  Perhaps the most important of these is to have an outcomes orientation.

The essential thing about an outcome is that it is not your product or service or deliverable.  Your outcome describes what is different in the world as a result of someone using your product or service. 

Organizations produce outcomes, and so can teams.

Then, there is a set of principles that defines a resilient attitude.  This attitude is the foundation under your outcomes orientation.

• You have a belief system that comes from answers to questions like: “Who are you?”  “What are you here to do?”  These are the stories of success and failure that give life to your identity and purpose.
• You tune into the world around you, scanning the environment for information that tells you whether you’re on track, or not.
• You strive to create a sphere of excellence immediately around you.  Some of this comes from your identity, some from the detailed experience of carrying out your work.
• You recognize that you always have a choice.  No victim mentality here.
• You find community in a web of support: networks, partnerships, and alliances.

Finally, there is a small toolkit of practices that will help lead you toward your outcome.  These are actions you and your team undertake together to enhance your effectiveness: Forming, Planning, Reviewing Progress, and Learning.  Each of these actions has a shape and a rhythm that will be unique to your purpose and circumstances.

This is how we see the basic structure of resilient teams.  Do these ideas fit with your experience of resilience?  What would you add or change?